I have learned to look at my life as an observer. I stand back, look at what happened, and focus my attention on the place where the wound was inflicted. I do not look at who inflicted the wound or how it was inflicted. That it was inflicted is the essence of healing. Find what your wound is, where the wound is being played out in your life, and heal it. Only by doing the work on ourselves that is required to heal mental, emotional, and psychological wounds can we ever hope to be whole in our spirits. I chose to do the healing work because I didn’t want to be mad anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted to heal so that I would have something to celebrate — myself.
-Iyanla Vazant, Yesterday, I Cried
Ever have those moments when you’re thinking out loud to a friend or family member and they start shaking their head? Like, hello?! I was not finished explaining my thought process. You get kind of sensitive. You think, “how can what I’m saying be wrong already?”
I used to be so afraid to express what I was feeling to anyone. I didn’t want to be told that what I had spent grueling hours thinking and overanalyzing was wrong! I mean I had invested time and energy into these full reports that I was finally verbalizing. But the lightbulb when off the other day as I was talking to a friend.
I was telling her that in the future I could see myself marrying a man and not a woman. She told me not be so quick to choose (seeing as how I’ve dated both). But I’ve already overanalyzed it and no matter how hard I try the thought of marrying a woman does not feel comfortable nor is something that I have ever really seen as a future for myself. I may have said it in the past but I’ve evolved. And said it from the old me, the one who thought love was something completely different — I thought it was just infatuation and physical and then the emotional would follow. I’ve learned, in the past several months, that it should be flip-flopped. The one who so desperately wanted to connect with my female because my own relationship with my mother was so severed. Yeah, that was a tough one to learn. <Add in childhood memories trauma and yeah, it’s super complicated.>
And then I started thinking that regardless of her opinion, I know my thoughts better than anyone else and don’t need anyones blessing to be me and act upon what I think feels right. No one will ever understand my inner workings and I will never understand anyone else’s.
This particular friend had gone through a very difficult health issue in the last few years. A very life-or-death scenario which I know was very eye-opening and life-changing for her. Now, however many stories she shares with me or feelings that she expresses — I will never know what that experience felt like and so it’s only my job to love and be there for her. It isn’t my job to judge her or tell her she’s on the wrong path. As author Caroline Myss has stated, “you’re never on the wrong path, you’re just not managing it well.”
With that being said, I wanted to share two things I reflected on today. Let me know if there’s anything interesting that you thought of today. Would love to hear!!! Doesn’t matter what it is.
- Your truth is just that — YOUR truth. Don’t be discouraged from your growth process just because someone doesn’t get it. It’s for you to get, not anyone else. As long as you’re not harming yourself or anyone else — you’re golden!
- Everyone can do anything. However, they can only do it to the best of their ability.
When you think of the perfect family or the perfect job — what does that look like to you? I can bet you that everyone’s definition of perfect is different. It’s catered to what your needs and desires are. You dream of being a singer? I’m sure perfection would be doing gigs every night and writing music without having to return to your day job. Am I right?
When I was younger my vision of perfect was to have the kind of mom that baked cookies all the time and never looked at the price tags while shopping. That my dad would let me have whatever I wanted and I wouldn’t have to do chores for an allowance. I chuckle to myself because I’m sure that there’s a girl who wished that her parents were more fiscally responsible and had better eating habits. LOL.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve come to realize that perfect isn’t about wanting something you don’t have. It’s about accepting what you have — good or bad. It’s taken many years (still in progress) to accept this fact. Perfect is what I make of it.
Accepting what I would have considered ideal is not the reality. But I do have a choice to be content and practice gratitude in my life for what I do have. I could literally come up with hundreds of things to be thankful for that range from small to big. The one that is the most important to me is that God loves me exactly for who I am — always has and always will.
That gives me strength along with the support of family and friends. Finding my purpose has also given me a big boost of strength and empowerment. My purpose is to help people, to bring people together to talk about their experiences and to inspire people by what I’ve learned. How that will transpire in the future – I’m not really sure but I know that I can start by living by the principle and trust in what God has in store for me.
When you stay too long in a place where you do not belong, patterns of pain become etched in your mind.
-Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried
Do not be afraid to look within. The ego tells you all is black with guilt within you, and bids you not to look. Instead, it bids you to look upon your brothers, and see the guilt in them. Yet this you cannot do without remaining blind.
-Iyanla Vanzant, Course of Miracles