Releasing The Guilt

Finally being able to a call, a thing! My God, what a relief! I’ve felt the crippling feeling of guilt, shame and misguided love my entire life. The kind of feelings that make you question whether you’re worth anything at all. And it all wouldn’t be possible without my mother.

My mother, an undiagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), has wreaked havoc in my life since as long as I can remember.

How can the person whose supposed to love you and hold you and reassure you that the outside world is cruel — not the inside — hurt you so badly and so intentionally?

When the feeling of your mother’s embrace is something that you want to badly but when it happens it feels like a thousand and one lies. A constant game of bait and switch, where her only happiness comes when she’s provoking anger and proving that everyone is inherently evil.

I write this passage tonight because I’m going through therapy and need a release. Because as I learn more about this mental illness and hear stories of the countless who have suffered at the hands of a mother with BPD — I need to acknowledge my feelings.

A symptom of a child with a BPD parent is that they learn to hide how they really feel — for fear that it may upset the parent. I can’t hold it in any longer. I have to say what’s on my heart so that it can begin to heal.

I’m not sure if I love her. I can most definitely say that I didn’t learn love from her — not the true, authentic love. If anything it’s been anger and pity all mixed into one. I’m not sure if she’s ever truly loved me at all. My therapist stated that she could hate me. She said that individuals with BPD are thieves that steal love.

My hope and wish is to constantly remind myself that I will feel better one day and to rely on my inner strength, self-worth, friendships and self-love. I’ll start with releasing the guilt of being responsible for my childhood and remember all that I’m grateful for.

  1. A great education that allows me to earn an income and not be dependent on a BPD mother.
  2. The ability to love and empathize with people even if I’ve never been in their situation.
  3. The ability to think before I speak and apologize when my actions are hurtful.
  4. The ability to sing and act and dance and draw and paint.
  5. My great friendships that have lasted me 10+ years with some really amazing people who love me no matter what.
  6. A father who has always been my greatest supporter and best hug giver and advice giver.
  7. My love of people and animals and travel and chocolate.
  8. The love of a God who gave me the strongest test because He knows I have a purpose (still trying to find it).
  9. An able body, mind and soul that can rationalize, reason and love.
  10. An eye for design and good taste.
  11. The ability to tune out the negative and focus on the positive.
  12. My persistence and ability to plan and negotiate.
  13. The love of an extraordinary girl named Michelle — a woman that makes me feel that even the worst part of me is never as bad I see it.
  14. For all 50 states making it legal to marry. Woohoo!
  15. For Broadway, Opera, Pop Music, Indie, Festivals, Concerts, 50s Music.

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My Mother Has BPD

What a relief! To hear someone finally say that I hadn’t been crazy my entire life for thinking my mother had some type of mental illness. Yesterday, I was finally validated and assured that it wasn’t me — it was my mother.

BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has always been inconsistent with her behavior. She was very physically abusive when I was a child as well mentally and emotionally. Although the physical abuse has subsided I still have many triggers and emotional upsets It doesn’t help that I still live with her (yikes!)

I moved back in at the age of 26 last year and have been living there a full year. I’m trying to get my life on track financially so that I can move on and do bigger and better things. My dad lives with us as well – he’s a God send. If it weren’t for my dad, I swear I’d be in an insane asylum. He’s my rock. Unfortunately, he’s also the target for many of my mother’s demands and mood swings. That’s a whole other ball of wax.

I’m hoping that by attending therapy regularly, learning more about BDP and interacting with a support group will help my feelings of deep inadequacy and emotional instability be replaced by feelings of empowerment.

Do you anyone living with BPD? If so, how do you cope?

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When People Say, ‘Good For You!’

I’ve noticed as I speak out about my spiritual journey many friends don’t know how to respond — they nonchalantly say things like, ‘that’s great’ or ‘good for you’. Sometimes it seems like they’re not paying attention but I’ve begun to realize maybe they just can’t relate.

I can’t expect everyone to relate to my journey or assume everyone is okay with speaking about feelings and emotions so openly and freely as I do. It can be uncomfortable for some and I have to be more conscientious. But what do you do? Who do you turn to?

Me and My Truth

Me and My Truth

You turn to you. Because you are your truth and if anyone asks or wants to be enlightened by your truth they will ask. In the meantime, I will keep Iyanla’s words close to my heart, “Don’t be minding other people’s spiritual business. Stay in your car. In your lane. On your road. In your world.”

What Led Me To Start a Blog?

As I start to think about what led me to write this blog, so many possible answers come to mind: my upbringing, my education, my professors, my friendships, my relationships, my experiences.

The response is a culmination of all those things and more, but what drove me more than anything to start this blog was that for years I have lived (and still live) with a lot of fear and anxiety about life. You know that overwhelmingly loud voice in your head, which doesn’t stop analyzing, thinking, planning, or doing? Well, I used to think it was all part of everyday life and that ‘one day’ it would magically stop and I would just feel better. That somehow, some outside force was going to finally bring me the peace of mind I’ve always dreamt about.

I know now that that could not be further from the truth.

What I didn’t know and I learned rather abruptly in Summer 2014, is that if you don’t sort through those thoughts and really listen to yourself, you could end up jobless, leaving a relationship, your apartment, your city, your friends and moving nearly 400 miles away to move back in with your parents all in just a matter of weeks and having to start over. (Well, that was my experience).

Although I see all of this change as a blessing and as part of God’s plan for my life, it has not been an easy transition. This experience has taught me invaluable lessons, which I wish to share with you.

I’ll write about my experiences, share the teachings of great poets, authors, speakers, spiritual leaders, and solicit advice from friends, family and every day people I meet.

My hope is that this blog will inspire you to search for your own truth.