Childhood Memories

My Mother Has BPD

What a relief! To hear someone finally say that I hadn’t been crazy my entire life for thinking my mother had some type of mental illness. Yesterday, I was finally validated and assured that it wasn’t me — it was my mother.

BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has always been inconsistent with her behavior. She was very physically abusive when I was a child as well mentally and emotionally. Although the physical abuse has subsided I still have many triggers and emotional upsets It doesn’t help that I still live with her (yikes!)

I moved back in at the age of 26 last year and have been living there a full year. I’m trying to get my life on track financially so that I can move on and do bigger and better things. My dad lives with us as well – he’s a God send. If it weren’t for my dad, I swear I’d be in an insane asylum. He’s my rock. Unfortunately, he’s also the target for many of my mother’s demands and mood swings. That’s a whole other ball of wax.

I’m hoping that by attending therapy regularly, learning more about BDP and interacting with a support group will help my feelings of deep inadequacy and emotional instability be replaced by feelings of empowerment.

Do you anyone living with BPD? If so, how do you cope?

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Slice of Wisdom

If you don’t let it out you’ll carry the pain for a lifetime.

Click to view the video and notice the difference between a 27-year old male releasing the pain vs. his mother who has carried the rage her whole life.

Would you choose to start the healing today? Or convince yourself that later is a better time or that the pain will eventually subside?

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When No One Gets You

Ever have those moments when you’re thinking out loud to a friend or family member and they start shaking their head? Like, hello?! I was not finished explaining my thought process. You get kind of sensitive. You think, “how can what I’m saying be wrong already?”

I used to be so afraid to express what I was feeling to anyone. I didn’t want to be told that what I had spent grueling hours thinking and overanalyzing was wrong! I mean I had invested time and energy into these full reports that I was finally verbalizing. But the lightbulb when off the other day as I was talking to a friend.

I was telling her that in the future I could see myself marrying a man and not a woman. She told me not be so quick to choose (seeing as how I’ve dated both). But I’ve already overanalyzed it and no matter how hard I try the thought of marrying a woman does not feel comfortable nor is something that I have ever really seen as a future for myself. I may have said it in the past but I’ve evolved. And said it from the old me, the one who thought love was something completely different — I thought it was just infatuation and physical and then the emotional would follow. I’ve learned, in the past several months, that it should be flip-flopped. The one who so desperately wanted to connect with my female because my own relationship with my mother was so severed. Yeah, that was a tough one to learn. <Add in childhood memories trauma and yeah, it’s super complicated.>

And then I started thinking that regardless of her opinion, I know my thoughts better than anyone else and don’t need anyones blessing to be me and act upon what I think feels right. No one will ever understand my inner workings and I will never understand anyone else’s.

This particular friend had gone through a very difficult health issue in the last few years. A very life-or-death scenario which I know was very eye-opening and life-changing for her. Now, however many stories she shares with me or feelings that she expresses — I will never know what that experience felt like and so it’s only my job to love and be there for her. It isn’t my job to judge her or tell her she’s on the wrong path. As author Caroline Myss has stated, “you’re never on the wrong path, you’re just not managing it well.”

With that being said, I wanted to share two things I reflected on today. Let me know if there’s anything interesting that you thought of today. Would love to hear!!! Doesn’t matter what it is.

  1. Your truth is just that — YOUR truth. Don’t be discouraged from your growth process just because someone doesn’t get it. It’s for you to get, not anyone else. As long as you’re not harming yourself or anyone else — you’re golden!
  2. Everyone can do anything. However, they can only do it to the best of their ability.

My Distant Uncle, Robin Williams

As the news flash across the screen of Robin William’s untimely suicide at the age of 63, I can’t help but run the film reel in mind of every Robin movie I’ve ever loved.

He was a man that was always able to bring my family together and make me feel that it was okay to be silly and that when words fail, laughter is always a universal language. It feels as though I’ve lost a family member. Like a distant uncle that you rarely saw, but you could always flash back to every moment you spent together and remember how much joy it brought you.

As I write, I remember one of my most favorite scenes from a movie I watched every day after school during my Junior year of high school, Mrs. Doubtfire (cue the tears).

In Mrs. Doubtfire, there’s a scene where Mrs. Sellner (his case worker) surprises him outside of his apartment. Mrs. Sellner is there to see Daniel, so as a cover Mrs. Doubtfire states that she is his sister. Mrs. Doubtfire tells Mrs. Sellner that Daniel (Robin) is in the shower and that he’ll be right out. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that the next five minutes are pure hilarity.

As they make themselves comfortable inside the apartment, Daniel steps in it big time when he tells Mrs. Sellner that his sister makes a great pot of English tea, causing him to have to transition back into Mrs. Doubtfire. As he’s transitioning, he loses his mask out of an alleyway window and ends up having to dip his face in a cake’s frosting found in the fridge to cover his face. He startles Mrs. Sellner when he jumps from behind the fridge door and exclaims, “Hello!” Mrs. Sellner jumps back and Daniel (Mrs. Doubtfire) explains that it’s a cold cream mask made of cream and sugar. Drops of the “mask” fall into Mrs. Sellner’s coffee and Daniel exclaims, “Oh! One lump or two dear? Would you like a little cream and sugar with your tea, dear?” Finally as he realizes that the melting mask will soon reveal his identity, he quickly exits the kitchen as he shouts out, “I look like a Yeti. I’m melting like a snow cone in Phoenix!”

I’ve found the scene on YouTube, if you’d like to view it, Mrs. Doubtfire Tea Scene.

His mixture of sharp wit and physical comedy coupled with a childlike manner inspired me to be a better person. To be someone who is not afraid to be silly and say whatever is on my mind no matter how random or inappropriate it may be, because humor is essential to the soul.

Robin, I hope that you’re finally at peace. I think I speak for all of your fans when I say that although you struggled with the deepest and darkest parts of you, your inner light always shone through to us. We mourn the loss of a wonderful man but rejoice knowing that your star will shine forever and always in heaven. God Bless.

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Robin Williams (1951-2014)