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Slice of Wisdom

When you have something to do life will not allow you to move forward until you do it.

― Iyanla Vanzant, Peace From Broken Pieces: How to Get Through What You’re Going Through

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Top 5 Worst Male Dating Tips from Girlfriends

Now some of you may have read that I’ve dated both men and women. This post will focus specifically on dating males and the bullshit my straight girlfriends have spewed out in the form of advice. Here goes: The top 5 worst things ever advised on the opposite sex (to me anyways).

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1.     “Well, he’s really trying!”

I’m sorry? Am I supposed to keep giving a guy chances just because he’s trying? I mean if I specifically tell a man that I’m not interested and he responds with his burning profession of love, why am I supposed to be automatically wooed and accept him as my newfound mate? Come on ladies, let’s give ourselves more credit. A nice guy with a great speech is not all a girl needs. We need chemistry, sense of security, attraction — we’re not old maids looking for handouts.

2.     “You can’t tell if it’ll work in a conversation, you’ve got to give it a good while.”

No. I’m quite capable of knowing within the first 5-10 minute if it’s going to go anywhere. It’s called my gut, women’s intuition, whatever you want to call it. I know the truth of myself and I would much rather move onto the next instead entertaining a guy who eh, maybe has a nice job and car but doesn’t necessarily enjoy trying new foods, travel, discovering new cultures, believe in marriage or children. Yeah. Knowing myself, I don’t need to give that one another go-around of my time.

3.     “He’s cute, why don’t you like him?”

Um…because that’s not all I’m looking for? A pretty face, great smile and sparkly eyes aren’t all I need. Have women forgotten their worth? I mean what’s with pressuring two good looking people together as if that’s the only measure we have for determining the successful outcome of a couple? Yeah, no thanks. I’ll stick with my number 2: conversation and connection is a must.

4.     “OK. So he doesn’t have it all together. You should still give him a shot.”

I have to strongly disagree with this one. Above all of them. I worked hard to get through school, graduate, find internships, get hired onto a great company, re-build my life, try and come to terms with my past — I don’t have time to deal with someone who seemingly still has a long way to go in terms of getting their life together. Life is easier when you try to find someone who can level with you. It’s a bad start if you both aren’t on the same page.

5.     “Maybe he was just being funny.”

I don’t excuse rudeness or crudeness as funny. Especially if I’m just getting to know you. I mean, it’s assumed that when you first meet someone you should be putting on your A-game. If right out the gate, you’re profane or rude — I’m already gripping the edge my seat wondering how you’d be if we actually dated. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. If on the second date, you’re pointing out that a close friend of mine resembles a cartoon character…yeah, you’re a classless d-bag and I won’t be answering your calls. Work on your conversation skills.

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Slice of Wisdom

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

-14th Dalai Lama

It’s Not a Steady Uphill Climb

As some of you may have read from previous entries, the past six months have been quite the journey. I left my city, an abusive relationship and an extremely stressful job and moved back in with my parents. I was in the midst of a physical, emotional and mental breakdown.

The day I made the decision to leave it all behind was the first step. Then came the loneliness in dealing with the steps that followed. I may or may not have called Dr. Laura on her XM Channel for advice — God, I was desperate.

In the last six months, I have experienced highs and lows like never before. It has been years since I’d let myself have a good cry and boy, did it last! I had those deep, wailing cries where you literally feel like you’re brain might explode. Those cries where your mind thinks of every moment that has led up to that cry. You remember all of your failed relationships, the times when you were rejected, when someone told you that you weren’t good enough, or the time when your best friend told you that couldn’t bring your girlfriend to her wedding due to religious reasons (yeah, that happened and it still hurt). That type of cry.

Now eventually the wailing subsided and I was no longer crying alongside the car next to me in Monday morning traffic (you wouldn’t believe how many times this has happened). The tears stopped (kinda) and I believed I had reached a point of peace. I believed that all of my prayers, crying, pleading, and promises to be better a person and to do better for myself had paid off. Wrong.

What happened next and what continues to happen is a great tug-of-war in my mind. There is a fight in my brain that is constantly trying to figure out where I am headed next now that I have this newfound sense of enlightenment. I find myself stuck between keeping a devout spiritual path and fearing that I may revert back to my old ways if I don’t. I don’t really trust myself to fly on my own, to let myself make my own decisions. There’s a lot of self doubt and guilt when I realized that my life had hit a wall and I was a big part of it. Because I always had a choice — always. And I chose to ignore my inner voice.

Trying to Make Sense of it All.

And here I am, the survivor of an awful situation, someone who has allowed herself to feel the pain of years past and who is looking forward to the future and desperately trying to remind herself to live in the present.

I have to remember to trust that I know better because I have lived through it and have dealt with the root of the issue. And to take each day at a time. I have to choose happiness each day and to remember what I’ve learned so I don’t have to repeat the same lesson. Healing is not black and white and if you find yourself in the midst of a healing or spiritual journey don’t be so hard on yourself. If no one gets your journey it is ok. It’s not theirs — it’s yours. You’ll come into your own at your own time.

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ― Dalai Lama

When People Say, ‘Good For You!’

I’ve noticed as I speak out about my spiritual journey many friends don’t know how to respond — they nonchalantly say things like, ‘that’s great’ or ‘good for you’. Sometimes it seems like they’re not paying attention but I’ve begun to realize maybe they just can’t relate.

I can’t expect everyone to relate to my journey or assume everyone is okay with speaking about feelings and emotions so openly and freely as I do. It can be uncomfortable for some and I have to be more conscientious. But what do you do? Who do you turn to?

Me and My Truth

Me and My Truth

You turn to you. Because you are your truth and if anyone asks or wants to be enlightened by your truth they will ask. In the meantime, I will keep Iyanla’s words close to my heart, “Don’t be minding other people’s spiritual business. Stay in your car. In your lane. On your road. In your world.”

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Slice of Wisdom

Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.

-Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

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Slice of Wisdom

As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.

-Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life