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Who is the Girl in that Selfie?

I’ve convinced myself of the reason why I like to take selfies. I’m trying to see if I still recognize her, especially after the life-altering year I’ve had.

For years I’ve lived my life on autopilot, trying to fill every minute of every day with work, friends, relationships, concerts, restaurants, clubs, dancing, and I drowned out the voice inside. The voice that held the answer to who I was, my dreams, my purpose and my inner peace.

I was in a constant tug-of-war between a boss who projected all of her anger onto me and significant other who did just the same. Had the new people at work not asked why I let my boss mistreat me, it may have taken me a lot longer to realize how bad it actually was.

Now, no one asked me about the girlfriend, because I never told anyone the truth of what was happening. I never told anyone that she yelled at me for the smallest things, that she became jealous of anyone I spoke to, criticized me constantly and manipulated me into thinking she was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Those who know me have been in total disbelief that I would allow such people in my life for as long as I did. The thing is that the broken me – the girl who never made it past May 31, 2014 – didn’t realize that I had a choice.

I was taught to learn that love would always hurt one way or another. That if you made people angry with you they would hurt you and that love would always mean pain. That you should accept that you’ll always be the punching bag. And that’s exactly what they represented to me — another chance at proving all of those things right.

Having these two individuals in my life during a 9-month period completely wreaked havoc on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was anxious all of the time, gaining weight, losing interest in seeing friends, not feeling motivated to take care of myself, and preoccupying myself by pleasing the two people in my life who did not deserve it. I was definitely in a state of depression.

Several months ago I had had it at work and I courageously (some would say foolishly) quit my job without having anything else lined up. That alleviated some anxiety and stress but something still wasn’t right. A week after I quit my job, I moved in with my significant other and things started to spiral down quickly soon after. The fights became more intense, the words became more hateful, and I cried almost every night.

If it hadn’t been for the few weeks I spent at the local public library, using the computers to job search I don’t know where’d I’d be. During that time, I checked out a self-help/spiritual healing book by author Iyanla Vanzant, titled Peace from Broken Pieces. In the book she shared so much truth about her life struggles and how everything that happened in her life was a direct reflection of how she felt about herself.  Being a fan of hers from years back and seeing her on the Oprah show, it was mind-blowing to me that this woman endured so much turmoil.

A quote of hers that still gets me choked up is, “You can only get what you really want by letting go of what you don’t want.”

With that, I decided I was leaving the toxic relationship. A few days later a temporary job fell through and I ended up not only leaving a relationship, but also leaving a job, an apartment and my city and moving hundreds of miles away to live with my parents.

Nowadays when I take a selfie it serves as a reminder that I’m not completely lost. That even though there are parts of the girl prior to May 31, 2014 that no longer exist, I’m still here slowly picking up her pieces, healing them and using them to shape the me I thought I’d lost. 934771_10100505330996512_4189002201993813681_n

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17 thoughts on “Who is the Girl in that Selfie?

  1. Well written without self pity. Sounds like you’re on the road to believing in your self and the power you have. My 85-year-old aunt always tells me “Keep it in the road.” I’ll wish you the same.

    • Hattie,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. It brought a few tears to my eyes. It’s sweet people like yourself that make the world a much better place. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    • Thank you! I really appreciate it. It means a lot to be supported even if it’s those who I don’t know that well. I had a terrible boss who put me down and told me I couldn’t write and I believed it. You gave me just a little bit of hope sir.

      • if your boss told you that you couldn’t write, it wasn’t because you couldn’t write. it was because the boss was jealous and needed a way, a reason to knock you down. the boss recognized how many positives there are in you, and the boss likely has none of those positives. so the boss tried to take yours away.

        there are two ways to win a race: 1. improve your own speed or 2. take away the speed of others. the boss tried to take your speed away because the boss cannot improve.

        the sad part is that in most cases, there really is no race. your boss was not in competition with you, but the boss imagined there to be.

      • You are right. She had to have a reason to make me feel inferior. Ugh what a nightmare. I’m so glad that it’s over and I am making my dreams come true. Thank you again! 🙂

  2. First, thank you for visiting my site and choosing to follow along. Second, congratulations for taking care of yourself and reinventing love. This is a hard lesson to learn, and some never do. You are light years ahead of the game. Many blessings.

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