So as I’m on this track of becoming more aware of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions and addressing them, I decided to have ‘the talk‘ with my mother.
The talk that’s always needed to happen but I never quite felt like it was the right time. The talk that would bring mother and daughter to confront issues that have been resting right below the surface for a long time.
For years I tried to convince myself that I would never need to address it — that I would somehow manage to move on and be okay. Finally on July 19, 2014 I decided to have the talk. I confronted my mother about the lack of emotional, physical and mental instability I faced as a child.
There were many things that I faced in my childhood that always made me feel sudden urges of rage, anxiety, panic, insecurity, unworthiness, inadequacy, and so on and so forth.
My mother experienced the same things in her childhood and because she had not healed it prior to having children I was the lucky recipient of the same treatment.
Now, I won’t go into detail of everything that I experienced as a child but I will let you know that throughout my life I experienced flashbacks and strong feelings of anxiety at the hands of mental, emotional and physical abuse. Things that made it difficult to be in relationships because I was searching for something that the other person couldn’t give me — my mother’s acknowledgment of what had happened and the truth.
Now at 26 years of age, I stood in her kitchen and began to speak as clearly as possible as the tears started to stream.
I won’t go into the full dialogue of what was said but I’ll let you know the points that were discussed on both my end and her end.
- I never felt safe as a child
- I didn’t feel that my words or feelings were ever validated
- I didn’t feel comforted (false sense of comfort)
- I was confused as to what love meant
- I accepted that chaos and instability would always be part of loving relationships
- I had estranged relationships with women because the foundation of what a woman thought of me (my mother) was completely distorted
- I didn’t like the idea of bringing my (future) children around my mother
- I didn’t feel like I could have a relationship with my mother because she used very little tact when it came to expressing herself (often hurting people’s feelings)
What I Wanted
- A relationship with my mother
- Being able to trust her with my feelings
- Communicating effectively as mother and daughter
- Acknowledgement of what had happened
My Mother’s Response
- She completely understood where I was coming from
- She did I try to apologize years before but I was not able to receive the message because I had not developed my thoughts about the issue
- She asked for my forgiveness and I could tell that the part about not bringing children around really hurt her (I reassured her that I would)
- She promised to reflect on the way she says things to make sure she doesn’t her mine or anyone else’s feelings (her first inclination was to threaten me that she was going to just not say anything anymore)
A lot of tears were shed but not as many as I had cried over the years and it felt like a spiritual cleanse. A huge weight had been lifted from my chest and I could tell off of hers as well.
It’s a work in progress but each day is an opportunity to strengthen the bond. I can’t say that magically everything is better but at least the pounding thought in my head about my mother and the talk could finally stop.
We find small things to chit chat about and I know that given time we’ll be in a much better place because anything is better than never having said a word.